Screwtape on the Pevensies
by Violets and Lilies
Summary: The Pevensies have just come back from their first trip to Narnia and there are four demons who need Screwtape's advice on handling their considerably changed "patients".
1. A Prior Warning

Dear, Garrotte, Brank, Pillory, and Leasprink,

I am writing to you all about a matter of grave concern, so I won't waste time on silly pleasantries. The four of you are on the cusp of a very dangerous situation, so listen up. Because of the amusing little war that's going on, the little varmints, whose souls you are in charge of bringing down to Our Father Below, are to be sent to the home of one of our Enemy's most vile accomplices. This human is simply a brute. He has done more against our cause than you might believe possible. He has even gone so far as to become a college professor-a profession that we prefer to dominate. Unfortunately, he's been quite successful at spreading the Enemy's message. It's enough to make us sick!

But, where was I? Oh yes...let me explain a bit of the old swine's history, so you'll know what you're up against. As a child, he was amusing enough to watch, although on the whole, he wasn't particularly helpful to our cause. The change, for the worse, I might add, came one day when your colleague, Picquet, who has the task of managing his soul for us, lost track of him for but a moment. Let me caution you against a similar mistake. Picquet was punished quite harshly for his ineptitude, and quite frankly, he should have been taken off the job-he's been downright ineffective ever since. Do I need to mention that the four of you will be punished much more harshly if you display similar incompetence?

Now, this is the strange part and I regret to say, we don't really understand it, but the little brute and his "friend", who I must add is no better than the old coot and must be watched very closely, were gone for but a moment and in that time they seem to have met with the Enemy himself! It doesn't seem possible, does it? Yet, there is simply no other way to account for the change that occurred in those little beasts. Poor Picquet and Denailion, who watches over the little varmint's "friend", have had the most terrible time with their patients ever since, and they often despair over their punishment should their failure be complete. Frankly, I anticipate devouring them.

As you might imagine, I'm writing to you so that you may avoid this fate. I care very much about you, of course. and, naturally, I want you all to be able to present your patient's souls, when the time comes, to Our Father Below. You need only to heed my advice in order to make that possible.

First, you must try to keep your patients as far away from the Enemy's accomplice as possible. This is very easily done, even if they are staying in his home. You simply suggest that the old varmint dislikes children and that they will cause trouble if they disturb him. If they start to wonder why he took them on in the first place, suggest to them that he did so out of patriotic duty. Not love. Certainly, never love.

If, through some unfortunate circumstance, your patients strike up a relationship with the old swine, then you must see to it that it is a relationship based on pity for an old coot who is past his prime. Suggest to them that the old swine doesn't really understand their world. You should suggest that they only tolerate the old coot-not believe what he says.

Now, when you have taught them to tolerate and pity the old swine for his backwardness, then you can progress to the next step-teaching them to _not tolerate _him! This part will be the most fun for you! The most productive part, if you can manage it. Suggest to them that the old loon is wearisome. After all, why should _they _be subjected to his rants day in and day out? Shouldn't _they _be allowed some peace and quiet? You must never forget that making your patients hostile towards the Enemy's accomplices is one of the most effective ways to bring them down to dwell with us for eternity.

As always, keep me informed about the progress you're making and let me know if you need any more of my brilliant advice. Do I really need to remind you what's at stake here?

Your affectionate Uncle,

Screwtape

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**A/N The six demons that Screwtape advices in this fiction came from Medieval instruments of torture. Picquet was a mild torture used mainly to enforce military disipline. It involved being strung up by the thumb (or wrist) on a tree and balancing on less than dull (but not to sharp) stake on the opposite bare foot. Quiet uncomfortable, but apparently no lasting damage. I picture the Satan pushing his demons with a militaristic drive and Picquet is punished for his lack of disipline.**

**Denailion comes from the medieval practice of Denailing, or the pulling toe or fingernails. Denailion is so named because as a demon he its his job to pull his "patients" away from their Lord ond Savior.**

**I will explain the other names as each chapter is published, so if you want to know, you'll have to keep reading!**

**A/N I want to give a rousing thank-you to Rose and Psyche for their helpful ideas! This story wouldn't be what I hope it will be without them!**


	2. Peter

My Dear Garrotte,

I hope you realize what kind of restraint I'm showing as I write this letter to you-it took me several hours to become this calm after I received your latest update, and I daresay, only the thought of devouring you after you completely fail, made me calm enough to continue on. I mean, really? Didn't I warn you about this kind of thing happening? _Didn't I? Didn't I? _You incompetent fool! You're just lucky that I care about you so much. I am, of course willing to help you clean up this little blunder-you know that I'm always here for you, don't you?

Your last letter said that your varmint seems to have been made a _High _king by the Enemy, while the other ones were made king and queens _under _him. Is this really true? Is that what your varmint told the old blabber? Oh, my dear Garrotte, how easy a job you have! Was the Enemy so foolish as to make a mistake like that? Although, I do grant you, we've never actually caught the Enemy making a mistake, and of course, He probably had a reason for giving your patient a higher status than the others, but we don't have to let your little varmint think that, now do we? Of course not.

I see it all so plainly! Your varmint should be made to suffer from the delightful little sin called Pride. It is truly one of the best infections we can give our patients. Let me tell you a story to demonstrate my point. It comes from back when the Enemy Himself was walking the earth as a Human-a disgusting time, I assure you! I worked in the field back then, as you do today, and I had a patient who was very rich and quite insufferable. The little louse kept all of the Enemy's commandments and never seem to do _anything _that I suggested. I used to despair that I would be demoted for failure!

Anyway, my patient felt he was lacking something that would bring himself into the Enemy's Kingdom, so he asked Him what it was he lacked. I was terrified that it would end my career! The Enemy told my patient to give away all he owned and follow Him. I know, I know, but don't laugh, it's true! Well, I, being the brilliant demon that I am, quickly convinced my patient that that he had too much _stuff _to give everything up to follow the Enemy and I successfully turned his heart. Let me tell you, I was so proud when I presented that little varmint to Our Father Below! After that, the next best part was-I got promoted!

The Pride Concept can be used on your varmint too. First, you suggest to him that he was made High King because he deserved it-obviously, there couldn't be a better lie out there. Humans _never _deserve what the Enemy gives them. That's why it's so much fun to convince them that they do! You suggest to your varmint that he's the _best._ Now, by the "the best" I mean, the smarted, strongest, most well-liked, handsomest, wealthiest, and on and on about those silly qualities Humans think of when they think "the best". Of course, Pride is best served at a party, so you must make sure that your varmint isn't shy about himself having superior qualities. I believe Humans call this "lording it over" someone. That's a delightful little phrase, isn't it?

Now, Pride in one patient generally results in Resentment in other patients, so this is something you can work with the others on. But don't, on the other hand, think that your patient can't be infected with Resentment too. In fact, your little varmint can be infected with the best Resentment of all. Resentment towards the Enemy Himself! I get excited just thinking about it, don't you?

Now, here's how you do it. After you have stoked his Pride with memories of what he _had _as High King, you turn around and remind him that he's just a little snot now. Of course, you should keep his mind off the fact that the Enemy is rather fond of making little snots into co-heirs to His Kingdom. It wouldn't be at all helpful if he thought about that. If you can manage this, your patient will soon be wallowing in self-pity and then cursing the Enemy. Fun! Fun! Fun! For Us. Delicious.

Truth be told, and you know I don't make a habit of truth-telling, I can summarize this up in just a couple lines. See, the Enemy prefers that Humans look ahead, to the future-mainly, to a future with Him, if they are in His camp. On the other hand, we prefer that the little varmints look behind them. Their pasts are always filled with delightful incidents and if we keep their focus on the things they _have done_, they are much less likely to see what the Enemy has in store for them.

As always, keep me up to date on your progress, and Garrotte, I do hope you know better than to slip up again.

Your affectionate Uncle,

Screwtape

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**Author's Note: A Garrotte is torture device that stangles its victims. It can be made from just about any material-rope, wire, scarf, chain, and ect. Sometimes a knot is tied in its center so that it will crush the victims larynx. I chose "Garrotte" as Peter's demon, because he his the leader. He needs his voice in order to lead. If he is strangled than he can breathe, then he can't talk, then he can't lead.**

**A/N I want to thank WillowDryad for her insight on this chapter. She was very helpful. I also want to thank the author of The Stagrench Classes. Professor Stagrench has given me good advice about various Demon tactics.**


	3. Susan

My Dear Brank,

I hope you understand how disappointed I am over your little slip-up. Actually, to say that I'm disappointed would be an understatement. I'm actually livid! I can't believe you let me down! But, of course, that's what you young fools do, don't you? You don't listen to what your superiors say, and then you blow it and have to come crying to us to bail you out. Now, tell me, have I got that wrong? Of course not-you imbecile! Luckily for you, your last letter has given me a few ideas about how to go about correcting your mistakes, so let's get started, shall we?

Your letter says that your patient mentioned that some old coot, who is obviously a part of the Enemy's camp, gave her some sort of magic horn, correct? You went on to say that your patient mentioned that if she blew this magic horn, then she would get help-anywhere, anytime. That's correct, right? Of course, it is, I've got your letter in front of me right now! Now, my point is, this _horn _sounds an awfully like like what the Enemy calls _prayer_! You do remember that the Enemy as told His followers that they can call on Him anywhere, anytime and He'll come help them, right? Obviously, we think that this is a ridiculous idea. Why does He want to help the infernal little beasts, anyway? What could He possible get in return? Human are so far beneath Him-Our Father Below isn't so foolish as to do _that_!

Now, where was I? Oh yes, your infernal little varmint! Now, the fact that she was given this horn indicates that she has a lack of Trust-you recall that the Enemy tends to give His varmints things that they need to grow closer to Him, don't you? Now, a lack of Trust is simply another name for a tactic that is very near and dear to us-it's called Doubt. Did you know that getting the little varmints to doubt the Enemy is one of the greatest ways to bring them down to stay with us? You should consider yourself lucky, Brank! Yours is a delightful task!

Now, of course, the Enemy doesn't want those in His camp to doubt His Word, so He tends to be very receptive to His follower's request, however there are things that you can do to infect your patient with Doubt. A very excellent way, which I think will be highly effective on your patient, is called Distraction. The Enemy may very well be handing your patient something that she has asked for, but your job is to distract her, so she'll walk right by it. After that, you can suggest that the Enemy must not have listened to her and then you can suggest that the Enemy doesn't care about her and that it's time she look elsewhere to get what she's looking for. Marvelous, isn't it?

Don't you see? Distraction feeds Doubt and then Doubt feeds Distraction. Pretty soon your varmint will be so mixed up, that she won't listen to what she, in fact, really knows. Of course, that's to our advantage.

However, distracting someone who has obviously had close contact with the Enemy, such as your varmint, must be handled very delicately. You _must _be subtle. Humans who are in the Enemy's camp generally want to stay in the Enemy's camp-our Research Department has been working on this since _forever_, but unfortunately, we haven't made headway. The point is, if your patient perceives that she is being pulled away from the Enemy, she'll be much less willing to go along. You must pull her away gently. Do it gently.

Of course, it doesn't really matter _how_ you distract her-although Female varmints tend to be receptive to our vain suggestions-for example, you could suggest that since the Enemy is not listening to her, perhaps she could get some Male to listen-but _only_ if she fits into who he wants her to be, and what he wants her to do. It's so delightful to get a Female patient to think like this because it totally flies in the face of what the Enemy desires.

Of course, I suspect you'll find the most opposition within your varmint's own circle-the little Female, your patient's sister, will be trouble. You wrote that the little pest has a most infernal way of reminding your patient that she is a part of the Enemy's camp. To solve this, you must work to make sure that your patient thinks the little brat is tiresome. Ask Leasprink for help, by all means. And, of course, the old babbler's friend is going to make trouble-see to it that your patient thinks that the old shew is a bore. Ask Denailion to help.

Now, I must warn you, Brank, when you have accomplished all this, you will be skating on _very dangerous _ice! The Enemy abhors losing those that belong to Him-He even went so far as to include threes stories in His Book about being pleased when something that was lost is found. These stories even appear multiple time. Isn't that awful? Of course, these stories portray much more than simple pleasure about a lost thing being found, but I don't want you to get sick, so I watered it down a little. Well, actually, I watered it down a lot-these stories portray such lavish love that it would blow your mind to read them. I'm just looking out for you because I care, you know.

The fact is, since you need to understand, the more you pull your little varmint away from the Enemy, the more He will oppose you. Eventually, you will have to fight Him for you little varmint's soul, so be prepared. Isn't that disgusting? He won't even let us have _one _without fighting tooth and nail! He even has this infernal mantra about not being willing to let even one of the little varmints parish! I mean really? Are you as sick as I am just thinking about it?

As usual, keep me informed about your progress, and let me know if I can offer any more brilliant advice.

Affectionately your Uncle,

Screwtape

* * *

**A/N **The Brank (or Scold's Bridle) was used as a torture to punish women who gossiped or were slanderous towards others. It was a cage or mask that was fitted around the face of the victim to keep her from speaking. Sometimes it was fitted with spikes that would penetrate the skin if the victim spoke and sometimes a bell was attached to it so as to announce the presence of the victim so that she might be mocked by those she had gossiped about or slandered. I chose Brank as the name of Susan's demon because the Gentle Queen would never gossip about or slander someone.

**A/N** Also, I would like to thank rw for reviewing my story. I'm glad you took time to read and review and I'm delighted that you enjoyed it!


	4. Edmund

My Dear Pillory,

I was shocked when I received your latest update! How could you be doing such a fabulous job and then go and blow it in mere seconds? What were you thinking? Of course, I see from your letter that you're clearly interested in making excuses for yourself. You whine on and on about how the others let their patients disappear and that your patient obviously felt peer pressure to disappear too, and a whole bunch of other ridiculous rubbish that has no place in a demon's work! I'm sure that if you were in the Enemy's camp, He would be ready and willing to forgive this gross violation of the rules, but you're not in the Enemy's camp, are you, Pillory? NO! Our Father Below isn't at all interested in rehabilitating worthless morons, like yourself, so be prepared to suffer for this little slip!

Of course, you haven't completely blown your assignment yet, so I'm going to offer a few tips on how you might go about correcting your little error. I noticed that your last update said that your filthy little varmint is now referred to as the Just King. You're kidding, right? That dirty little pig couldn't possibly be considered Just. Honestly, doesn't the Enemy have the most hideous ways to foil us? We say Dirty, the Enemy proclaims Clean. It makes me want to explode just thinking about it!

Did I ever tell you the story about when Our Father Below went up to accuse some varmint that was standing before the Enemy? This loser was standing there wearing the dirtiest rags you can imagine. Well, Our Father had a list of all the things this varmint had done and he was all prepared to read it to the Enemy, but the Enemy actually had the nerve to silence Our Father, and then do you know what the Enemy did? He had one of His own attendants give the old guy rich garments and a clean turban! I was in training then, and my class got to watch the whole thing, I was totally appalled by the Enemy's actions!

Now, that little episode, happened after that loser had already slipped out of our grasp-unfortunately, he's currently with the Enemy, but did you realize that it's actually rather easy to convince the sorry little varmints that crawl around the earth that they _aren't _clean-even if they're in the Enemy's camp? That, my dear Pillory, will be your job now!

To do this, you simply fill your disgusting little varmint's head with all the disgusting acts he's committed. Don't let him think of anything else. Then you suggest that since he is unable to take his mind off all that he's done, the Enemy is most likely unable to forget all the the things he's done too. This is a delightful little tactic because it makes those wretches, like your piece of trash, totally ineffective at bringing _more _people into the Enemy's camp. The best part is that after you've suggested that he's nothing but filthy slime, then you remind him that the Enemy has asked His followers to proclaim His message to the ends of the earth. After that, your varmint will most likely feel inept, and this will produce a delightful guilty feeling.

Remember-guilt produces ineffectiveness, and then ineffectiveness produces guilt. Of course, the Enemy would rather that His followers remember that that He has washed them whiter than snow and they have no reason to feel guilty, but we, I'm pleased to announce, have made huge inroads in keeping that information far away from the filthy beasts.

Now, let me pursue another tactic that is quite different than the one we just discussed, but no less effective and no less fun. You see, your varmint is, undoubtedly, quite proud that he obtained the label of Just. He will, no doubt, want to blab to the ends of the earth, about what the Enemy has done for him. That would ordinarily be horrible for you, but, if you can manage it, your little louse can become a most marvelous tool-something called a hypocrite. That would be a spectacular way for you to correct your recent slip!

Now, don't worry, it's actually very easy-thanks to the Human vermin's own nature. You see, Humans are creatures of habit-they get in a rut and they stay there, blindly, thoughtlessly moving through life. When they join up with the Enemy, He pulls them out of their little rut and gives them His own light to travel by, but the silly little varmints have gotten in the habit of being in the dark, so they have tendencies to wander back-we, of course, like this.

Now here's where hypocrisy comes in. A good many of the Human vermin have heard that the Enemy gives His followers His light to walk by so they naturally assume that His followers will behave differently than people who have not joined with Him. When your dirtbag slips back into his comfortable darkness, and you'd better make sure he does, then other vermin will pick up on that and come to the conclusion that your little swine was not in the Enemy's camp after all, or maybe, and this is even better, they will conclude that being in the Enemy's camp is no different than what they have now, and then they will conclude that they're just as well off _without _the Enemy and not join His ranks.

I see from your letter that your varmint has been talking about being in charge of the court system. This is excellent-those in charge of the law make the best hypocrites. You must suggest that your patient extract only Justice in every case-he is Just, after all, isn't he? Of course, the Enemy prefers Mercy alongside Justice, but I don't see any reason to remind your filthy rat about that.

Do you remember the Enemy's story about the guy who wouldn't forgive his co-worker's debt? Well, I ask you, why should he forgive the guy? That co-worker had it coming, if you ask me. Of course, there's no need to remind your piece of slime what happens in the rest of the story, is there?

Oh, by the way, Pillory, we have a special award down here for demons that can manage to turn their varmints into hypocrites! Our Father Below would be quite pleased if you were to accomplish this. You might even be able to make up for your recent slip-but, I doubt it.

Now, I will caution you, your patient's friends and family will be more troublesome than they were in the past. I see in your letter that your patient has begun to look up to his brother more than he ever has before, and of course, the older varmint, will create problems because he's taking a lot of his filthy brother's advice-I expect you and Garrotte to sow dissension between them, as you did before. You must not let them work out their differences, as the Enemy wishes those in His camp to do. You'll, no doubt, also encounter trouble from the old loon whose house your patient is staying-the Enemy is quite fond of His followers learning from those who are older and wiser, but that would not be helpful to you. Of course, I'm not saying that Our Father Below doesn't use this tactic himself-otherwise, I wouldn't have to put up with idiots like you, now would I?

As always, I'm here if you have more questions and concerns. I'm always here for you, you know.

Affectionately your Uncle,

Screwtape

* * *

**A/N** A Pillory was a post to which the victim's hands and head were restrained. Crowds were then allowed to gather and throw objects at the victim. It was used to humiliate a victim, but it could be lethal, depending on what the crowd chose to throw. I picked Pillory as Edmund's demon because I pictured him caught in one with all the Narnians throwing things at him and I concluded that it would never happen because Aslan had died in Edmund's place and he was not guilty of any crime.

**A/N **The story Screwtape refers to having seen as a student comes from **Zechariah 3:1-10**. The story about the two co-workers is **Matt. 18: 21-35**.

**A/N **My thanks to Jessica for her review and advice.

**A/N **One more chapter! Thanks to all of you who are sticking it out!


	5. Lucy

My Dear Leasprink,

Well, I have to say, I wasn't totally surprised to receive your most recent update. You've been the most incompetent and foolish of all my students, after all, and if the others messed up, then I naturally assumed that you would too. Of course, I'm not saying that your prior incompetence gives you an excuse for not doing the job you were sent to do, and you will, of course, pay dearly for your lack of productivity, but at least you haven't totally blown your assignment yet, and I see, from your update, that your varmint has some very real issues that we can exploit, so lets get started, shall we? Oh, and Leasprink, you'd better take notes, so you don't mess this up any worse than you already have.

I see from your letter that your little varmint spoke about being a queen during a Golden Age. Now, in case you weren't aware, a golden age is a time of great prosperity in a land; we have even had golden ages down here, from time to time, and you can be sure, that Our Father Below is planning to have more. Anyway, the point is that the Enemy promises great prosperity to those vermin who obey His commands, and your little Female is quite obviously very close to the Enemy-I'm sure, of course, that this is because you have been doing a lousy job.

Now, in order to wipe the sicking reflection of the Enemy's Light off your varmint's face, you are going to have to come between her and the Enemy. Now, I don't think your patient will respond to Doubt as well as Brank's patient-little varmints, like your patient, are more difficult to infect with Doubt—that's why the Enemy tells his followers, that they must have the kind of faith a little varmint possesses, in order to enter His kingdom, so never mind about Doubt, for now. On the other hand, I do think your little one might be a prime candidate to become infected with disobedience-it's a wonderful tactic because the Enemy really likes His followers to be obedient to His teachings and directions. You would really hurt Him if you could successfully make your little varmint disobedient.

One way you can accomplish this is to suggest that she knows the best way to do this or that and that she doesn't need anyone to tell her how to do something, where to go, or how to act-particularly, make a point to mention that she doesn't need the Enemy's help. This is particularly easy to manage in young ones, like your varmint, because older ones are forever telling them what to do, where to go, or how to act. You could suggest that your varmint needs some independence-particularly from the Enemy, because He is just one more voice telling her what to do. Now, we know that the Enemy gives older Humans to teach younger ones about Himself and that His directions come completely out of His love for the wretched vermin, but you ought to keep that far from your patient's mind.

Another way that you could help your patient to be disobedient is to suggest that she should be jealous of her older sister. After all, doesn't the Enemy command His followers not to covet what someone else has? Hasn't He told them to not compare themselves to one another because He gives each one a special gift to use for His purposes? Doesn't He desire that His followers see themselves as He sees them? And, yes, I realize that you don't understand why He looks at the vermin like that, frankly neither do I, but the point is, He _does _see them as His special creation, and we can really hurt Him by helping them to think differently.

Jealousy is, in fact, easily managed due to a little Female's own tendences. Don't little Females like to play dress up with their mother's clothes and makeup? Don't they look on in awe at, so called, popular people and dream of, one day, being that popular too? Yes, yes, making your little varmint think this way would definitely hurt the Enemy but, by all means, keep her mind off the fact that the He has declared her a queen-if she were to think of that, she would be much harder to convince that she needs the kind of improvements that we like.

Let me tell you a story about a guy who Our Father Below tempted to be disobedient towards the Enemy-unfortunately, Our Father was not successful, but I think you'll learn something from his experience anyway. See, it all started when Our Father and the Enemy were chatting about one of His disgusting followers-I mean, this guy was really awful; he never did anything that we like. Anyway, as is the case with His obedient followers, the Enemy had given this guy everything he could possibly want. Our Father said that the guy would be a lot different if he didn't have all the stuff the Enemy had lavished on him, and the Enemy allowed Our Father to test that theory-unfortunately, the Enemy turned out to be right. I was in training back them, and, let me tell you, I still can't get over the fact that the Enemy got the best of Our Father with that guy.

Now, my point is, your little varmint could be tested in the same way-after all, she is, quite clearly, not a queen living in a golden age now, is she? She doesn't have it all now, does she? Will she really be so faithful, if she isn't living in the aura of the Enemy's Light? Well, alright, so she's always in the Enemy's Light, but if you're smart you won't let her think about that-of course, if you're incompetent, as usual, I'll look forward to devouring you. I can hardly wait.

Now, I have to warn you, Leasprink, your task will be a difficult one. The Enemy has said that the varmints in His camp will know His voice, His is their Shepherd, after all, and they will follow Him. In particular, your little louse obviously knows the Enemy's voice quite well-you will need to come at her as a thief comes to the sheep pen. Don't give up and, of course, don't mess up, she can be tempted just like the rest of her slimy species.

Update me as soon as possible-I have a feeling you're going to need my help again-after all, you're nothing but a worthless cretin.

Affectionately your Uncle,

Screwtape

* * *

**A/N **Leasprink is named for a torture device known as a Lead Sprinkler. The device was used to pour molten metals into the body parts of victims. The most common use of it was pouring molten silver into the victim's eyes. I chose Leasprink as Lucy's demon because she is the one who sees Aslan most often. If she became blinded in her relationship with Aslan, there would grave consequences for both her and the others.

**A/N **This is my first multi-chapter fiction and I've heartily enjoyed it. Thanks to everyone who reviewed. It has been better received that I could have imagined.

**Production note**: I apologize for this somewhat delayed update, It was not my intention for this chapter to go so slowly. I have had some technical issues with my computer and a delay was forced on me. Though, I'm at least fairly sure that the delay seemed longer to me than it did to any of my readers.


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